confabulatious

the more I find myself in the past, the more I worry that things might not all have been as I remembered..  a feeling you can't quite shake, an instinct that something is just..  out of place..  it's wrong and yet it feels.. right..  somehow..  it's utterly ironic isn't it..  I think because I care..  and in doing so, the more I come to doubt my own memories..  half truths made real to numb the past too painful remembered..

wonder what it says about a person who knows they're being lied to, yet still allows themselves to be misled..  would depend a lot on who's doing the leading..  what the alternative would be..  preferable perhaps to inaction, misguided thought it might be..  I don't have all the answers..

everybody lies..  even to themselves..  and I'm fine with that..  for the time being at least..

nrg

It feels good to finally have an outlet for channeling my thoughts and energies into.  Though I'm still not quite sure what's to come out of it, I am feeling more productive.  A sense of relief that I finally have something to focus on, other than the distractions of work, television, gaming, and the internet.  Still haven't found my peace yet, but better than before.  Time is precious, and I've wasted far too much of it.  I'm curious to see how far I will get on this endeavor by myself.  A graduate degree or phd seems useful as a means for finding peers to sound ideas off of.  Still not convinced the monetary investment is worth it however.  We'll see how far discipline can take me, and then figure out where to go from there.

03.11.11

It doesn't feel right that it's taken me so long to write about this, considering how close I hold the country to my thoughts.  Perhaps the shock of it all left me emotionally numbed, perhaps I was just angry at the world that Friday, or perhaps I simply didn't have anything worthwhile to add at the moment.  In case you haven't figured it out by now, or on the slight chance my future self is re-reading his blog to remember a past long forgotten, the tragedy that occurred on 03/11/11 is saddening.

Part of me feels ashamed that despite being a native New Yorker, this tragedy registered with me more than 09/11.  I'm not even sure if it's right to draw a comparison between the two, seeing how one was clearly an act of God and the other an act of man.  Those closest to me would understand my sentiments, I have no doubt the majority of my peers would not.  In that respect, perhaps Japan is more of a home for me than this place ever will be.  And perhaps the only reason I can say that is because it is not my home.  At least, not in the traditional sense.  There are some things in life that we hold precious and dear to us precisely because it is unattainable.  It seems rather paradoxical does it not?  That in order to retain the value of a thing, regardless of its nature, one must never attain it.  As kids we were captivated by fables of mythical creatures and tales of incredulous heroism.  I doubt they would be as interesting if sphinxes and minotaurs were commonplace like the pigeons and squirrels of New York, or if we were all endowed with powers that made ordinary life seem particularly mundane.  But we aren't, and shit happens.  As adults, I think we're grounded more in reality.  Or at least I should hope so.  That small island is, and probably will remain more a home for me than I've ever known here.  Or at least, a more personal home.  They are my people.  And I will pray for them.

Frustration.  I should be doing more to help.  What can I do?  What have I done so far?  Nothing.  Checked in with my friends to make sure them and their loved ones were all fine.  That was about it.  There's always charity, but that's always felt like cheating to me.  Instead of helping those in need directly, let me pay someone else to do it for me.  It's the thought that counts, right?  I don't know.  First world solutions to a moral dilemma that shouldn't be so complicated in the first place.  While working NPO would undoubtedly do more to fill the hole in my soul than my current job does, what's going to fill the hole in my wallet?  I wonder if the world wouldn't be a better place if currency just didn't exist.  What form would greed manifest itself in then?  I'm sure it's not as simple as I make it out to be.  So how does one find balance?  Seems like a farce, this round-robin we play.  Guy that makes money pays guy that doesn't to do the things he wants to do in order to sleep at night but can't because he's too used to a privileged lifestyle the guy he's paying will never know having chosen to live a life of destitution though he still has no problem accepting payment from the other because he needs to survive and continue his work for a greater cause even though he's being funded by non-believers so it comes down to the choice of would I rather live more for my own sake or those of others?  I'm not sure how to answer that.

Update on Wed, March 16, 2011 at 12:04 AM by jeff

Anger.  It can motivate and empower a person to take action, and it can also destroy he who holds it unchecked.  Who, or what exactly am I angry at?  I'm angry that the Japanese government waited so long to ask for foreign aid in the nuclear crisis at Fukushima.  I can understand it being difficult to ask for help, especially given my understanding of their culture and history.  I think the shame and loss of face pales in comparison with what's at risk should the situation escalate further.  I'm angry at the people trying to take advantage of the crisis for their own personal benefit.  From the number of charity scam sites that pop up within the first 48 hours of disaster, retailers hiking prices when the need is high and supply low, reporters and interviewees whoring themselves out to the cameras, and the list goes on.  I'm angry at the people who make light of the situation.  Godzilla and Mothra references aside, I don't think any of us here can truly fathom the level of devastation that's currently taking place half a world away.  And while I wish I could be angry at those with the means to donate, I know I shouldn't be.  I hope this ends well.

signs

Been asking for awhile now, and it hasn't been three weeks even and I've already gotten two of them.  If that isn't enough to propel me to change, I don't know what is.  The cost is high though, and I wish it hadn't taken a tragedy of such magnitude to spur me into action.  That's the obvious one however.  The other is for me alone, to face again the hurdle a younger self of mine failed to overcome ten years ago.

There's a part of me that warns against attributing too much personal or karmic significance to any given event that strikes a particularly close chord to one's self.  It's also the same voice that steers me away from trying to self-diagnose myself in times of confusion.  Sometimes, that voice just needs to shut up.

hedgehog's dilemna

God is in his heaven, all's right in the world.  Sometimes it feels like I'm missing the bigger picture.  There will always be questions to be asked, but as long as everything's fine in the end, do the answers truly matter?

The past few weeks have been quite the emotional roller coaster for me.  So much in fact that I almost welcome work for the distraction it provides, even if it is but a momentary reprieve.  I've never been good at dealing with emotions, particularly the ones associated with my memories of him.  The raw intensity of it all overwhelms me, the upwelling of regret, pangs of sorrow, tears of bittersweet, and the hits keep on coming.  A part of me died back then, or rather I chose to bury that part of myself.  And now he's back.  Somewhat.  And here I am digging up skeletons in my closet.

Peebler Point, it's where I go now in search for solace.  First time seeing the lake frozen over.  There's something majestic about the place that just instills a sense of calm.  Today, the thawing ice conveys a sense of inevitability, to accept things as they will be when the time comes.  And the ripples a melodic reminder that life is always in motion and temporal at best, waiting to be swept along by the grander scheme of things.  Either way, life will be as it shall.  Accept, and be at peace.  I'm just here for the ride.

Been nearly a decade.  In hindsight, I ran away from the core of the problem as well.  Wrap something in such complexity to make it nearly impossible to unwind.  I never did manage to reconcile my relationship with him, even if I had it's not one I feel most people could understand truly.  Somewhat filial, mostly reflexive.  The question haunts me still to this day.  Why him, and why not me?  Everyone deserves a fair shake in life.  It's always been a core tenet of my being.  And though I am the hypocrite at times, he was an eye opener for me.

Update on Wed, March 9, 2011 at 11:38 PM by jeff

When I think about where I'm at today and where I was ten years ago, I can't help but laugh at the irony.  While I can't say I truly know myself still, I can say with more certainty that which I am not, and perhaps what it is I would like to be.  No matter how fuzzy a concept it might be, still more than I knew about myself during those college years.  And for that, I am grateful.  Truly grateful.